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It helps to know the best hacks to make a killer cup of coffee, and a sense of humor doesn’t hurt. After all, even bad coffee can be a good time with the right company.
“This coffee tastes like crap!” Have you almost spewed the brew because it tasted so bad, but then you remembered you need the energy or you shouldn’t spew coffee in boardrooms? Yeah, me too.
We’ve all been there. And you, my friend, deserve an upgrade.
I’ve had too much crappy coffee to count. That gas station coffee you wish you hadn’t gambled on. The break room coffee everyone drank between expletives because it was god awful. The five pound, almost expired can you felt obligated to finish before purchasing something palatable.
Coffee gets a bad rap for other reasons too. Sometimes people over indulge… I’m looking at you triple latte with an extra shot. Or, they can’t handle the level of acidity, I mean our bodies are 60% water, so coffee responsibly.
Water is essential—essential to make coffee.
With that said, if you can tolerate coffee, you tend to drink it because it’s everywhere and often free (or egregiously priced, it varies) and it’s probably better for you than the other type of drinking. Oh and, it contains that molecular powerhouse known as caffeine.
But sometimes it flat-out tastes disgusting, and that we can usually remedy. Check out our breakdown of common coffee complaints and ways to fix them.
The Best Coffee Hacks
Gripe: “This coffee tastes like dirt.”
Remedy: Compost dirt coffee. Consume quality beans.
It’s an easy habit to fall into every morning and I admit, it became a mindless routine for me too: You bust out that bulk barrel of generic brand coffee, scoop out some grounds, guzzle it down, and wait for the zombie elixir effect to kick in.
Zombie: Me before my morning coffee.
While that lackluster brew does perk us up (Thanks caffeine addiction!), it usually tastes… eh, pretty nasty. You find yourself choking the stuff down with a scowl on your face. Yes, your face is trying to tell you something. That coffee is offensive frankly, and there’s a better way.
Compost that generic coffee. Use the barrel it came in as a plant pot or something. And grab yourself a bag of quality roasted beans. For a few extra bucks, your taste buds will thank me.
Gripe: “My coffee tastes bad and has no flavor.”
Remedy: Don’t half bean it. Whole bean it!
Some things are better left intact before the party happens. Like… piñatas.
Crack that sucker open early and it’s a massive let down.
Coffee is the same way. The fountain of youth flavor, energy and fragrance lies in the fresh whole bean. That means all the magic you savor in an exquisite cup is sealed in tiny bean envelopes, waiting to be unleashed. It’s a sacred thing to be respected and released just before the sacrifice. Find that dramatic? Well, intense, flavorful coffee is worth getting riled up over, in my opinion. I might have had a few cups already, who’s counting?
Gripe: “Why’s my coffee taste like cardboard?”
Remedy: Store your investment wisely.
You wouldn’t leave your Lambo outside to be subjected to the elements all day. Same goes for quality coffee.
Now that you’ve got the good stuff, take the extra step to take care of it. Freshness is key. Staleness is icky – leave some Saltines on the counter for a week and see. Only the birds appreciate that kind of aging. So throw those luscious beans into an airtight, lightproof container and call it a day.
Gripe: “My coffee tastes weak and watery.”
Remedy: Perfect the water to coffee ratio and don’t be a cheapskate.
I went years trying to get by with one tablespoon of coffee per cup, and ya know what – it tasted like crap. Most of our American mugs are huge anyways, so 2 tablespoons per cup is a good starting place. Don’t be afraid to dabble, my friends.
Gripe: “Why’s this taste metallic?!”
Remedy: If your water is hard as a rock, filter it.
A lot of Americans have hard water due to rocks and stuff. And city water can be chock-full of chemicals. But common sense tells us, water’s not meant to have a “flavor” on its own. If you find yourself in this boat, consider getting it checked out and grab a water filter. These babies usually do the trick. You can always do a test with bottled water before investing. Make your mornings suck a little less and nab that metal nasty taste infiltrating your favorite beverage.
Moral of this story: If the water tastes like crap, don’t blame the coffee.
Gripe: “Gross. My coffee’s sour and tastes like soap.”
Remedy: The Daily Grind
You’ll want to take part in this kind of daily grind, trust me.
Grinding up the whole beans before using them retains flavor and aroma that is otherwise absent in pre-made bean dust aka compost. Remember bean envelopes are sacred things and you don’t want to release the magical powers prematurely. You’ll get a stronger more robust cup of joe this way. A quality grinder ensures this ritual is done right, cause we don’t want coarse grinds that taste like a soap bar stuck in our mouths. And we don’t want bean dust, where it’s ground so fine it tastes like battery acid.
Want more pep in your step? There’s nothing like freshly ground coffee coursing through your veins. You can take on the world! Until noon or so. Then you might need a refill.
Gripe: “My coffee tastes bitter and burnt.”
Remedy: Be a brewmaster.
Bitter? I don’t mean in general, that’s for another post.
Ditching coffee that tastes like crap is a surprisingly simple and affordable feat.
You just gotta know the technique. The secret for brewing a delicious cup of coffee is to extract what you need without burning the crap out of it, essentially.
A French Press and similar contraptions will deliver what you need. The only real complaint is that some find it a bit gritty. I don’t mind, but hey, you got options.
Pour Over. This is pretty self-explanatory. It’s easy and filtered, it just takes a little time.
Capsules. Do you have one of those capsule coffee makers, with insta-cups filled with god knows what? That’s okay with a tiny tweak. Grab a refillable cup and fill it with your finest. Give that a whirl, a swig and a swirl.
Percolators. An ancient method of brewing that does not bear repeating. Boils the crap out of coffee, literally. And that’s what you taste. I bet the saying, “my coffee tastes like cigarettes,” started with percolators. Not recommended unless you find one with super-engineered temp controls.
Drip Machines. The ol’ tried and true coffee maker. Pick one up anywhere, shove grinds in the filter, and wait for that carafe to deliver the gold. Yeah, they’re not fancy, but they do extract more caffeine and you can grab one cheap, so there’s that.
Espresso Machines. Oh the bells and whistles! For the connoisseur of coffee brewing. The person who likes it expensive and expensive looking, with all the knobs and buttons and intricacies of customization. Through sweat and tears, perhaps tears of joy, you’ll turn and twist your way to an impeccable brew made especially for you. Whether you like to savor that tiny cup of strong espresso or bathe it in milk for a cappuccino – you can dial in your one-of-a-kind masterpiece.
The “Crappy Coffee Fix” Conclusion
There you have it. The best coffee hacks to turn crappy coffee into a killer cup of joe. Now over to you, my fellow caffeine-consuming Americans! It’s your turn to test out these tips. Get that Keurig, iced coffee – or whatever you’re into – tasting better today. As they say, life’s too short to drink crappy coffee.
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